Parenting New College Students: Building Their Own Houses

Parenting new college students is a huge transition for both parents and students. It is so easy to get caught up in the details of college life– the dorm room, classes, food, sleep. We ARE parents, after all!

However, as parents, we need to remember that the most important part of college is supporting our children as they become independent young adults who will (eventually) be able to take care of themselves. They need to “build their own houses” as they enter into adulthood, and it is your job to give them the space and support they need to do so! Here are some ideas!

1. Let Them Find Their Own Way

College is a unique time for self-discovery. Just as a person builds their own house, your child needs the freedom to create their own space—emotionally, physically, and intellectually. This might mean making decisions that you wouldn’t necessarily agree with, or facing challenges without your immediate guidance. We know this feels HARD as you are going through your own transition!

Remember, the road to adulthood is paved with mistakes and lessons. Allowing your young adult child to stumble and get back up again is crucial to their future ability to feel confident in various situations. Each misstep is a building block in their personal development. Embrace this process and remind yourself that you’ve equipped them with the skills they need to succeed, even if it’s not always apparent.

2. Check-in With Yourself Before You Check-in with Your Child

As a parent, it’s natural to want to reach out, to check in, and to manage their experience from afar. It has been our job for 18 years! But sometimes we are checking in with our children because WE are feeling anxious, sad, or lonely. Recognizing these feelings in yourself allows you to create a healthier space for your child. Monitor your emotional responses when you don’t hear from them and, instead of filling the silence with anxiety, try to use it as an opportunity for growth—for both you and them. If you notice you are checking in frequently because of YOUR OWN feelings, see if you can find alternatives to managing those feelings before calling your child! 

3. Practice Delayed Engagement

Consider adopting a new rhythm in your communication. Instead of constant texts and calls, try to hold off a bit. While it’s perfectly fine to send a quick “I love you! Have a good day!” or share a funny meme, see how it feels to limit more extensive check-ins to once a week (or even longer once you know they’re settled in).

This shift not only gives your child space to breathe but also reinforces the strength of your relationship. Trust that your bond is resilient enough to withstand a little distance. By letting some slack out on the line, you help them feel secure, fostering independence while maintaining your connection.

4. Remind Yourself: They Are Adults Now

This may be one of the hardest parts of parenting a college student: reminding yourself that your child is now an adult. The dynamics of your relationship are evolving, and it’s essential to recognize this shift. Adult relationships are built on mutual respect, independence, and support rather than management and oversight.

Make it a daily mantra: “This person is an adult.” You’ll need reminders, especially during tough times when you might want to intervene. They will also benefit from this understanding, as it may take them time to realize they can navigate this new chapter on their own. Encourage them to take ownership of their decisions and remind them that you’re there to support, not to direct.

Conclusion

Parenting a new college student is a delicate balancing act between providing support and fostering independence. By allowing them the space to find their own way, being mindful of your own experiences, practicing delayed engagement, and reminding yourself of their adult status, you can help them build a strong foundation for their future.

This journey is as much about their growth as it is about yours. Embrace the changes, trust the process, and celebrate the new adults they are becoming!

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