Why does it feel so hard to make friends as an adult? When we were in college, friendships just happened. You’d bump into people in the dorms, meet friends of friends, or sit next to someone in class and instantly connect. But as adults? It’s a whole different story. Between work, kids, and the exhaustion that comes with keeping all the balls in the air, finding people to really connect with can feel awkward, and honestly, a little intimidating.

I talk with so many clients (and friends!) who feel this way. Making friends as an adult can feel harder than ever, but it’s also essential for our mental health. We’re social beings and we all need friends we can see face-to-face, laugh with, and count on when life gets messy.

Prefer to listen to the podcast episode? Have a listen to the episode ‘Making Friends as an Adult’ on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube or your favorite podcast player! 

Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels So Hard

There’s nothing wrong with you if you find it challenging to make new friends in your 30s, 40s or beyond. We’re more “connected” than ever through our phones, but that kind of connection doesn’t replace real, in-person friendships (and the mental health benefits we get from the latter!).

Big life transitions like having kids, moving to a new city, or changing jobs can also shake up your social circle. Sometimes your closest friends are in a different stage of life, and suddenly, your routines just don’t overlap anymore.

And then there’s the anxiety. We tend to assume we’re the only ones who feel nervous about putting ourselves out there, but I promise everyone else feels awkward too. Once I started assuming the other person was just as anxious about making friends as I was, it got so much easier to take that first step.

Three Key Ingredients for Building Lasting Friendships

Studies show that most friendships form when three simple things happen:

  1. You see someone regularly. Whether it’s a workout class, a weekly volunteering shift, or your kid’s soccer sidelines: consistency builds connection.
  2. You run into them outside your usual setting. A friendly “Hey, I saw you at…” moment can spark a deeper bond.
  3. You share something personal. Vulnerability is what turns acquaintances into friends.

“Just being vulnerable, in order to let other people be vulnerable, is a huge way to make friends”
– Amanda Sovik-Johnston

Those three ingredients sound simple, but they’re powerful when you put them into practice.

More Adult Friendship Tips

Create structure

If you want more connection, don’t wait for someone else to make it happen. Create a structure that makes it easy, like starting a book club, setting up a regular coffee after your workout class, or hosting a casual “girls’ night on the porch”, like I did.

One of my favorite friendship hacks? Make it routine. When something’s on the calendar every week, you don’t have to plan it from scratch every time and it’s more likely to actually happen.

Friendship Without the Drinks

A lot of early socializing does happen over drinks because it lowers anxiety and gets people together. So how can you build friendships without everything revolving around drinking? Try to transition to non-drinking activities: walks, pickleball, book clubs, hikes, or just grabbing coffee. The key is to suggest something you genuinely enjoy and invite others to join you.

Remember: It’s Not About You

If someone doesn’t respond or can’t make plans, it’s not a reflection of your worth. Life gets busy. People are juggling kids, work, and aging parents. As you probably know yourself, it’s a lot. Sometimes they simply don’t have the bandwidth for new connections. Keep reaching out and the right friendships will stick.

The Bottom Line

Making friends as an adult can feel uncomfortable, but it’s worth every bit of effort. Start small: show up regularly, be a little vulnerable, and take the first step.

Everyone wants more real connection. Someone just has to go first.